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Parents who feel frustrated and helpless with their children come to therapy for all kinds of reasons. It may be that the child’s behavior is upsetting to his/her parents or teachers, or that he/she is having difficulty in interactions with other children. Frequently, parents in the midst of conflict and divorce find their child acting out with behaviors they have not seen before. They are grappling with feelings of loss and betrayal, financial concerns and the uprooting of the family, and when their children begin to show signs of distress, it can feel overwhelming. When they bring their child to therapy, they may not have an idea of how or why child therapy works, especially the use of play.

Since graduating from the NYIPT program four years ago, I have had the opportunity to work with many families in the midst of marital conflict and divorce. While it has been extremely challenging at times, it has pushed me to examine my own countertransference and biases, and to try to step into the shoes of each parent as well as the inner world of the child, all of which can be done as a play therapist.

People new to child therapy may ask, how can play therapy help? How can anything help if the children don't talk about what they are feeling? When children are dealing with change and the loss of their family as they have known it; they need space, time, acceptance and reassurance, They need to know that what they are thinking and feeling will be tolerated, understood, and valued within a caring relationship, and that they will not be used by one parent to hurt the other. The child therapy room can be a safe place at a time when nothing else is predictable.

As a child therapist, my challenge has been to maintain balance between two parents who are usually so hurt and angry that they cannot see or control their behavior that is having a damaging impact on their child. Because communication has usually broken down, the child often becomes the direct or indirect target of frustration and anger by the other parent. Inflexibility around daily scheduling and special events, decisions around schooling, vacations and camp all become points of conflict. Children often feel they are to blame and become terrified by the fear that they can hurt one or the other parent with their feelings of desire and anger.

Children who are going through upset and conflict leading up to divorce may see their parents’ inability to maintain their relationship as a signal that their parents might also give up on them. A child can often feel he or she is to blame for the parents’ troubled relationship, and in an attempt to defend against these feelings can fantasize about “parental greatness” in one parent or other, or imagine that one day the parents will be reunited.

Case Example:

Seven-year-old Jack was brought to therapy during an extremely turbulent time. His parents were in the midst of a difficult separation. They were still living together in one house, the tension was thick, and it was clear this child was absorbing it all.

Jack very rarely spoke during the many months I worked with him. He worked intensely, however, in my sand tray, meticulously arranging battle scenes with rigid plastic army figures representing the two sides, "black" and "gray." The only time Jack would talk to me during our early work together was to direct me to hand him the correct color soldiers for the battle he was enacting. At first, Jack was not willing to let me engage in interactive play with him; he needed to tightly control the whole battle scene.

At this time Jack’s behavior was deteriorating. He could barely stay in his seat in school, and his teachers reported quacking noises and odd behavior that alienated him from the other children. As the parental battles raged and intensified with a court date announced, Jack became almost like a Jack-in-the-Box. He could not be contained in his small classroom and had to remain home since he was at risk of hurting himself or someone else with his sudden, impulsive moves.

In Jack’s therapy session, week after week he played out his parent’ battle, with a rigid battle script. His soldiers never stopped to rest, eat or play, and there was no mercy as both sides dodged the others' explosive fire. While the play continued, I met with the parents, separately, as neither was willing to be in the company of the other. Each parent was determined to show they were the better parent. I was bombarded with documentation of every move this child made in the service of each parent's story. I was feeling overwhelmed, and I had no doubt about what Jack was defending against and why he needed complete control of his battle-play in his sessions.

Gradually, as Jack began to trust me, he would instruct me to set up one side or the other, correcting my placement each time but allowing me into his space. If I would try to comment on the play or ask a question, I was still met with silence. Jack continued to battle intently, He began to banter with the soldiers while playing the General. He also started giving me instructions on how to survive in this treacherous environment.

Jack’s play has been a vehicle, as well as a reflection of, his emotional growth. As the battle scenes came and went, there began to appear other expanded signs of life. The sand tray opened up to water and trees, and the rigid clone-like plastic soldiers were replaced with individualized characters. After almost two years, it was as if Jack came up for air after being immersed in his parents’ battle and his own internal battleground and devastated minefield. Soon Jack began to move out of the sand tray and onto the table, using the whole playroom, building with Lego’s that reflected the building of his ego and renewed growth and development. He began to function better in a new school, and he began to make friends.

Today, Jack has progressed from being a boy walled off in his internal world of battle, to being more present in the larger world and in relationships with others. He has become more accessible for learning. Recently, as he was playing with the sand tray, I told him I thought that his play must really feel good to him because here he can control everything, not like the battle that continues to rage between his mom and dad (still ongoing after many years). “Maybe sometimes it’s just too painful to talk about things,” I said. Jack shared with me that at times he didn’t know how to talk about what he felt, but then he told me how angry he was feeling at his Dad for pressuring him, and he spoke about his worry over what would happen if he told his Dad his feelings and then Dad’s feelings would be hurt. I knew we had come a long way.

For Jack, non verbal play in the context of a therapeutic relationship allowed him to release anger, express sadness and conflict, explore possibilities and try out new behaviors without fear that either parent would retaliate or be destroyed by what he felt or imagined. For children of families in the midst of conflict, trust and safety can take time to establish. As a therapist I have found that I must be patient, steady, and open to seeing and hearing whatever the child brings to the play. I trust that by providing an open, accepting environment, the child will let his feelings and needs unfold in his own time.

While the stability of Jack's inner and outer world has exploded in the session battles, he is now seeking new ground, reformulating his inner world, and discovering how to live in newly changed, unfamiliar terrain. By attending play therapy and within a therapeutic relationship, this may be one of the few places a child who is in the midst of conflict can eventually come to feel safe, and have his own emotional space to within which to grow and flourish.